Month Eight

Dear Wren,

A few days ago, you turned 8 months old. Your eighth month was full of many exciting developments, including learning to crawl and pulling up and "saying" a few distinguishable words. You are still sleeping fairly well at night, with intermittent bouts of crying and wakefulness here and there. But, it is manageable.

I figured I might take the opportunity to tell you a few things about me, personally, and what is going on in my life. So here goes.

I've started exercising again (hooray!). I feared I may never get back to it, but for the past three weeks I've been "wogging" a mile every morning, doing crunches, push-ups and some light weights. I do this all in our neighborhood, and I do the crunches/push-ups in our driveway while you cheer me on from the stroller. I've been trying to teach you to say, "Yay, Mommy!" but I figure it will be a while before you can manage that.

It feels really good to be doing a little physical activity again. I'm hoping that someday I can get back to doing my yoga regularly and perhaps even a little bellydancing again. I bet you didn't know your Mama was a bellydancer, eh? I'll tell you more about that one day... and maybe teach you a few moves.

I've been staying very busy with freelance work, which is good, but sometimes stressful. But, I keep telling myself it is worth it for me to be able to stay home with you. The thought of putting you in daycare makes me cringe. I realize daycare has some good things about it, but I remember being in daycares a few times when I was a kid, and they were nightmarish. Especially since I was used to being at home with my dad (your Ooony). For the past couple of months, you've been having some mild "separation anxiety" and you often cry if someone other than me holds you. A few people have suggested that I should put you into a daycare to help alleviate this symptom, but I am pretty adamantly against that right now. You are still so little, and the day will come soon enough that you won't be able to get away from me fast enough. I do plan on putting you in a preschool probably around the age of 2, but for now, I think I'm doing the best thing for you. And, generally people rave about what a well-adjusted, sweet, friendly girl you are. So, I'm not too worried that I'm spoiling you or turning you into a "mama's-girl".

I want to tell you a little about your Mor Mor. I've gained much more respect and admiration for her since I had you. I realize that being a mother is much harder than I had anticipated, and I have the deepest gratitude toward my mother for many things that she did for me. She and I have a very complicated history together, but everyday I spend with you I try to imagine her doing these things for me that I do for you. It is hard for me to grasp sometimes. The fact that she wiped my butt and sucked snot out of my nose, and dealt with the pain of motherhood -- for me.... it is just amazing and I feel like I owe her a lot more than I've given to her.

A few years ago, she was diagnosed with oral cancer. At the time, they did surgery and removed all of the cancer, and she had a good prognosis. But, she started smoking again. And, just a few months ago, the cancer came back. They have done surgery again, and again she has a good prognosis. I pray every day that she will stop smoking for good and start taking better care of herself. She has never taken very good care of herself and I speculate that it is because she suffers from a certain degree of self-loathing. Unfortunately, I find the same quality in myself, sometimes, and I want desperately to change that -- for your sake. I promise you that I am going to find a way to be the best that I can be for you. But, I am making peace with the fact that I won't ever be perfect. I just want you to know that I will always try my best. One day, I would love for you to look at me with true respect and hopefully you will like how I did things. We shall see.

This mother's day, I think I would like to have 30 minutes of time just to myself where I don't have to do ANYthing. I think I will also reflect upon this incredible journey, trial, sacrifice, and triumph that is motherhood. I am so thankful that I have been given this duty.

P.S.... A pair of wrens have built their nest in a watering can in our backyard. The little speckled eggs are so cute. The first one hatched today. I'll try to get pictures of the babies as soon as I can.

I love you,
Mama

Wren - Month 8 - Maracas from Kari Whitaker on Vimeo.

Wren - Month 8 - Trying to Crawl from Kari Whitaker on Vimeo.

Wren - Month 8 - Crawling from Kari Whitaker on Vimeo.